Forced to work from home? Don’t know what working remotely consists of? We got you. Check out our 5 Critical Tips on How to Be an Efficient Remote Worker.
Well, this is different, ya?
Quick question, do you know why our fingers prune when we’re in the water for too long?
It’s our body adapting to its environment. No kidding, look it up. Our body naturally adjusts and you have no idea it’s doing it.
Well, right now we all are having to adapt and let me tell you, I know it’s happening, and I don’t care for it very much. Nope. Not one bit.
What’s even funnier (assuming you’re amused), I’ve been a remote worker for 2 years. TWO. Everything all y’all are struggling with, I should be near “hard” level expertise. Jon Gicewicz of JEG DESIGN INC, on the other hand, is an expert-level work from home ninja.
That’s why I gave him a call and pitched him an idea. When I was through, he agreed. He recognized how you, the people, need to know what we know before it’s too late. Before the teeth of restless remote-worker syndrome consumes you and spits you out like a flavorless piece of Fruit Stripe gum.
That’s why we came up with 5 Critical Tips on How to Be an Efficient Remote Worker — no need to thank us — but you’re welcome.
#1 – Stay out of the fridge.
Just because you freaked out, barrelled over a couple of Senior Citizens at Costco and spent 10 percent of your dying 401k on value packs of S’mores Pop-Tarts, pints of Cherry Garcia, and boxes of Pepperoni Hot Pockets doesn’t mean you have to eat it all in two days. Ration. Or better yet, reward yourself for every couple hours of work with a treat. That stuff works. Seriously.
#2 – Porn is not your friend.
This isn’t some religious spiel or anything like that. No. Not at all. We’re just telling you it can and will suck you in — avoid it as much as you’re avoiding shaking hands.
#3 – Weed Doesn’t Cure Covid-19.
We get it, it’s wonderful but consuming as much as humanly possible will not help you get anything done. Unless you’ve decided to ride it out crushing the aforementioned fridge full of food while binge-watching the Simpsons. Then have at it. However, if you’re trying to, you know, work– may we suggest it as another reward?
#4 – Don’t Create A Dating Profile
Seriously, we’d rather you go watch porn. It would be a lot less stressful, more pleasurable, and with infinitely less collateral damage.
And the last piece of advice for becoming a more efficient and effective remote worker:
#5 – Don’t Panic
We’re going to get through this, we will. Spend time with those you’ve missed due to 16-hour workdays. Call home. Check-in with mom and/or dad. Read something you’ve had no time to read. Learn something new about your partner. And if you don’t have a partner, feel free to ignore rules number 2 and 4.
We hope this helps. After a while, you’ll get used to not having any human interaction. Some of you faster than others. Then, eventually, well remember how your parent and/or grandparent would call you as the dog’s name? The dog that died 13 years ago?
Ya, the same is going to happen with people’s names. You’ll only know them by their avatar or handles. It’s weird.
Other than that, enjoy it. It’s going to become the new normal for a bit.
And wash your hands.
Oh, and we forgot one:
# 6 – Don’t forget to smile.
It’s okay. It’s free. And it won’t give “The COVID.”
Keith is a freelance writer with over a decade of experience in marketing and advertising. He’s written nearly a thousand ads for a variety of industries, from farming to auto dealers to government services. To contact Keith, email him at [email protected] or find him on LinkedIn. And be sure to check out his portfolio.